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A Note from the heart

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  A Note from the Heart To every woman who has ever known the quiet ache of waiting, the deep grief of loss, or the silent longing for what hasn’t come— This space holds you tenderly. Here, you may see images and words that celebrate pregnancy—a miracle in every sense. These photos are not posted to flaunt or forget the pain many carry, but to honour the God who designed women with the sacred ability to nurture life. It’s a glimpse into what is possible through His goodness and creative power. Yet I know... for some, these images and stories can pierce like a blade. They are a reminder of what feels just out of reach. If that is you, please hear this: your feelings are valid. Your grief is seen. And this blog does not ask you to pretend it doesn't hurt. At the same time, I gently invite you to remember that all life is worth celebrating—whether it blooms in your own womb or in someone else’s arms. Let us not allow envy or sorrow to harden our hearts or steal our joy. Instead, may ...
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1. Before IVF

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Before IVF  I feel silly. Almost like I have no right to IVF. After all, I already have 3 beautiful babies. It’s not as straightforward as that and IVF is still IVF.  Infertility is still infertility. My pregnancies have always been strange and exhausting. Both my husband and I had a suspicion that pregnancy was killing me. After all my pregnancies and my symptoms getting worse and no answers to why; We both made the decision to have a vasectomy. This was purely fear based. This seemed rushed now as I was only 6 months postpartum. Looking back, I felt rushed and even though I was never pushed into the decision. It felt similar to when the midwife asked me straight after giving birth if I wanted to do it again. I regretted it the day it happened. The vasectomy. I was deluded and convinced myself that the vasectomy did not work. That we could still get pregnant. I tortured myself for the next year. I fell into a deep depression every month that was hard to come back out of. We c...
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2. Starting drugs

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Starting the egg retrieval drugs   Friday It is Friday the 1st. The little type A personality is singing that I get to start my treatments at a beginning of the month exactly. It’s the little things really. Had to leave work early because I was starting to get flu symptoms (in a pandemic, this is not great)  First needle. Tonight. I decide I don’t need to be a hero and inject myself. First of all well done if you can do it. Me, on the other hand, I do not respond well to stress. With my Adrenal insufficiency any amount of stress can tip me over the edge. Even stress that other people don’t feel when they are stressed is enough. And I don’t care who you are. Any person who sees a metal needle heading towards their body would find that cortisol levels would rise. You can thank your body for that. My body just goes nope. well that’s my excuse anyway. So my husband does the injections. I get ready for bed, doing my nightly routine of a thousand steps before the injections. Incase,...
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3. Egg Retrieval

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  Egg Retrieval Friday We stayed over the bridge somewhere and made it to the appointment. We pack up our stuff and put the kids and the dog in the car. Pretty exhausted. This does not line up with my plan of no stress and being in bed early. At the appointment, they said I had one follicle ready and another 5 almost ready (1mm off) so the egg collection can go ahead. They also gave some negative news. My progesterone is way too high. Double what It should be. Can’t help thinking that is something that I have done something that will happen again. My anxiety levels are incredibly heightened and little things are setting me off. I guess this could also be due to high progesterone and would explain my extremely heavy period before. No matter how much we think we are in control. God Controls everything. Even IVF. I need to put my “But I want an ompalumpa now!”Violet mentality from Charlie and the chocolate factory away.  I need to trust him and work on my patience. After all I ne...
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4. The waiting game after Egg Retrieval

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The waiting game after Egg Retrieval   Wednesday Wasted. Feel like I have been hit by a bus. I had the best sleep in ever. I feel well rested. My body wakes up and says “what happened?” My stomach is quite swollen and sore. I have mild back pain and some cramping. It somehow feels worse today but it is still bearable. Maybe it feels worse because I haven’t taken any Panadol. So maybe it is actually better than yesterday. I really enjoyed this relaxing day in which I could recover without feeling any guilt. I started a new book and we went for a walk. I even did a very mild exercise video (very mild- almost can’t call it exercise) I have come to realise that any movement is good for my body and to no longer think about just results and my physique, when I exercise. Even on terrible days my mood and body are lifted from any kind of movement. So today is no exception. The clinic messaged and let us know that we have 6 fertilised eggs. They also said that they are freezing them th...
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5. maybe next cycle...

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maybe next cycle...  Friday- a month later Started my very delayed period this week. I even took a pregnancy test because.. you know… miracles and I am deluded. They (the clinic) wanted me to wait another cycle before starting (which would have been nice to know…) frozen embryo transfer.  I was all ready to go but I had been feeling quite burnt out recently. Losing hair, losing sleep and gaining anxiety. I knew my thyroid would be out. Turns out my blood work said that I was over medicating but I actually wasn’t taking any thyroid medication because it was making me sick. So turns out I am 3 times the normal level for a hyperthyroid person. I am not well and I knew it was coming to this. My endo said I have a rarer type of Hashimotos where I swing hypo and hyper almost constantly.I have both Hashimotos and graves disease at the same time! I now need to take both hypo and hyper medication at the same time. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just have a simple terrible life...
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6. Natural cycle

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  Natural cycle Monday (another month later)  So here we are again. Except this time everything seems to be going well. Except for massive flooding (again) and having to pack up and leave so that we will be able to get to the hospital for transfer day. I am thankful that my in-laws have a place that can house us all. My new medication has been working well (for now) and I am being closely monitored. My stress level has been pretty good considering the situation. I think I have made a conscious choice to not let much affect me. Because of the floods, I am much closer to the hospital and all other services. I have been able to book in for acupuncture for pre and post transfer and a massage sometime this week. I wouldn’t have been able to do otherwise or it would have been way more stressful. Now I can look back and see that I have tried all “the things” to give this “transfer” every chance. I hope I won’t look back and regret not trying something. I think that alone is worth spe...
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