4. The waiting game after Egg Retrieval

The waiting game after Egg Retrieval  

Wednesday

Wasted. Feel like I have been hit by a bus. I had the best sleep in ever. I feel well rested. My body wakes up and says “what happened?” My stomach is quite swollen and sore. I have mild back pain and some cramping. It somehow feels worse today but it is still bearable. Maybe it feels worse because I haven’t taken any Panadol. So maybe it is actually better than yesterday. I really enjoyed this relaxing day in which I could recover without feeling any guilt. I started a new book and we went for a walk. I even did a very mild exercise video (very mild- almost can’t call it exercise) I have come to realise that any movement is good for my body and to no longer think about just results and my physique, when I exercise. Even on terrible days my mood and body are lifted from any kind of movement. So today is no exception. The clinic messaged and let us know that we have 6 fertilised eggs. They also said that they are freezing them this afternoon. I am a bit confused as I thought that they were going to wait 5 days for the eggs to mature and then they freeze the ones that are up to the right stage of development. What do I know though? I wonder if they are going to defrost all of them when we are going to do our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) next month. Can they freeze them again? I dunno. I should stop thinking and just sing “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be it’ll be…” lots of rest today. 

Monday

Sooo…. I missed a few days of journaling. Mostly because those days were all exactly the same. My pain level was pretty intense but only after a few hours of walking. My ovaries felt like someone was squeezing them and sometimes they felt like they might pop! Yesterday was the first day that I started to feel like “myself” again. I had a few rude comments from people about my swollen stomach. It was very hard to feel good about my body and what it was, is and has done. I needed to keep perspective that I just grew some good quality eggs and survived a rollercoaster of emotions. My marriage is still intact too. So win win. Before yesterday I did start to wonder if this was the new me. I always seem to forget when I am going through something that it is temporary and that even if this whole IVF thing doesn’t work out. It was still worth trying. 

Now we are just waiting for my next period to come so we can book our embryo transfer. I am completely off caffeine and I am trying all the things (except more exercise- as my body is not ready yet) to lower my progesterone levels and we shall see. I don’t know what I may feel if my cycle is cancelled again.  That means an entire month to wait but there is no point in playing the game of “what if.” Let it be. 

Tuesday (a week later) first cycle since egg collection. 

I have missed many days journaling mostly because nothing is new. Just waiting. I managed to hold myself together after receiving the news that I have to wait another entire cycle before we can do the transfer based on the grounds that “we need more time for your natural hormones to restabalise.” Why was this not communicated to me sooner? Why do I have to constantly be in a state of anxiety guessing what I am meant to be doing. They spoon feed me just enough info so I show up to the right appointment but forget asking what might happen if…? They just blow you off. It makes you feel stupid. It is so frustrating to not have any control over when and how I become pregnant. They haven’t even tested my hormones this cycle? What are they basing waiting on? And what about those women who go straight in for a transfer after egg collection? What about their hormones? I don’t get it. I feel left in the dark. To make it worse I got this news while I was at a conference and I had to function like a normal human being and then found out one of my colleagues is having a baby. Then had someone ask me if I am having another one and if I wanted another one. Same thing happened 8 years ago after I had just had a miscarriage and was taking over a maternity leave position. She brought her baby in and said “I bet you want one now..” “don’t wait too long..” today just brought all those emotions that I had buried from all those years ago. So basically I feel like I have had another miscarriage. I’m also PMSing. So that doesn’t help. What is the emotion called that makes you want to crawl into a dark hole and hug yourself in the fetal position? That is the one I am feeling.