1. Before IVF

Before IVF 

I feel silly. Almost like I have no right to IVF. After all, I already have 3 beautiful babies. It’s not as straightforward as that and IVF is still IVF.  Infertility is still infertility. My pregnancies have always been strange and exhausting. Both my husband and I had a suspicion that pregnancy was killing me. After all my pregnancies and my symptoms getting worse and no answers to why; We both made the decision to have a vasectomy. This was purely fear based. This seemed rushed now as I was only 6 months postpartum. Looking back, I felt rushed and even though I was never pushed into the decision. It felt similar to when the midwife asked me straight after giving birth if I wanted to do it again. I regretted it the day it happened. The vasectomy. I was deluded and convinced myself that the vasectomy did not work. That we could still get pregnant. I tortured myself for the next year. I fell into a deep depression every month that was hard to come back out of. We confirmed that the vasectomy had in fact worked. I cried for a few months. Which seems dramatic but I guess that’s how deeply I felt the loss. We fought a lot about my feelings. And I prayed that God would take my feelings away and that I wouldn’t want this anymore. He didn’t grant this. The feeling that our family was not complete. That I felt I was missing a person. I felt like I did when I had my miscarriages like someone had been taken from me. Deep ache. I don’t pretend to understand that loss that others have gone through. Mine were lost so early. Losing a child. I can only imagine. Please don’t misunderstand. I don’t liken my experience of losing a child but that is the only way that I can describe it. 

After many nights of discussion (which felt like years) I finally could discuss how deeply I felt. That this wasn’t just “oh I want another baby” this was almost a need. He understood and agreed to have a vasectomy reversal. After 6 months of negative tests and dangerous hope, to spiralling depression. We tested our sperm quality. 0. 0 sperm detected. It failed. We made a decision that even through our circumstances and unexpected and undeserved/ unexpected feelings of resentment, we would love each other “come what may.” I didn’t want to feel any of these feelings. I wanted to be content. I wanted to let go. God why didn’t you take these feelings away? I still don’t fully understand them but I know I have these feelings for a reason. 

We get covid and are told that this will not impede our ability to go through IUI (I am sceptical and want to give it a few months before we try) we are only doing this once. I agreed to that. We agreed to try IUI once and if we end up pregnant… if we don’t I would finally be able to grieve and try and move on with my half limbo life. Stuck waiting and waiting. I finally contact the fertility clinic. Told that iui would most likely fail in our circumstance and told that our only option is to go through IVF. Drugs. I don’t do well on drugs. I Never have. I can’t even take the pill as I end up not being able to eat or walk or function. Not good. We decide to give it a go anyway. We are no longer fear based creatures. We don’t know unless we try. 

2 weeks before the IVF cycle starts we all take a little train trip to the pharmacy where the fertility clinic is. For the kids, this is a fun little adventure. I tell them we are going to pick up some medicine for me. They don’t question this as I have several autoimmune diseases that require medication. This is normal for them. Is that sad? I don’t know. They were happy. Much more happy than they would have been stuck in the car all the way to this far away pharmacy. My seven year old was a bit more observant and was asking why we had to go so far away when we had several pharmacies closer to home. I never know how much to involve people. I have this problem on my YouTube channel. The over sharing. I make a decision to not make any videos about our IVF experience. This is to respect my husband and my own privacy. To respect my feelings of uneasiness. I make a decision that I do not need to hear other peoples judgments. I do not need to be told that I should just be content with my life. I do not need to overshare, this time. I need to just focus on what I need to do.