2. Starting drugs

Starting the egg retrieval drugs

 Friday

It is Friday the 1st. The little type A personality is singing that I get to start my treatments at a beginning of the month exactly. It’s the little things really. Had to leave work early because I was starting to get flu symptoms (in a pandemic, this is not great) 

First needle. Tonight. I decide I don’t need to be a hero and inject myself. First of all well done if you can do it. Me, on the other hand, I do not respond well to stress. With my Adrenal insufficiency any amount of stress can tip me over the edge. Even stress that other people don’t feel when they are stressed is enough. And I don’t care who you are. Any person who sees a metal needle heading towards their body would find that cortisol levels would rise. You can thank your body for that. My body just goes nope. well that’s my excuse anyway. So my husband does the injections. I get ready for bed, doing my nightly routine of a thousand steps before the injections. Incase, you know I become incapacitated and can no longer function. So far I haven’t noticed any instantaneous side effects except for painful swollen abdomen. 

Saturday

I am sick with the flu. Not covid. We went for a walk and my ovaries already hurt. Im sure it is just in my head. Knowing I am a little bit of a hypochondriac. I am finding it had to walk. My period is incredibly heavy and my menstrual cup leaks everywhere like a murder scene. i’m sure you wanted that mental picture. This must be a side effect of Gonal F (150) 

Sunday 

 Full blown flu. Miserable. Period is heavy and very painful. I am now upping my medication for AI but I don’t know if this is for the flu or period or Gonal F. Maybe all of the above. I am trying to be positive though. In the back of my mind I wonder if the flu is going to ruin our chances. 

Monday

Home alone. Can’t go to work. Pretty much bedridden. My poor body is going through a lot and try to be kind to it. I feel quite swollen and already look 4 months pregnant. Which I guess is the look I am going for. I was hoping to kinda have a baby as an excuse though.  My ovaries hurt worse at night. I continue my nightly routine. Injecting at exactly 9 except we had stupid daylight savings which almost stuffed us up. Maybe the flu was a blessing because I can rest. Then I google. Don’t rest too much otherwise your uterus won’t get the proper blood flow. As if resting will suddenly cut off the blood supply to my perfectly functioning uterus. I force myself to move even though my body doesn’t want to. Imagining my dying uterus every time I rest. I’m not dramatic at all. I decide that I hate google. I have started doing prenatal pilates and at first I freaked out about all the moves you are “not suppose” to do. I think I have figured it out. No bending, no inversions, no high intensity Yada yada basically, you can do something that resembles old peoples exercise. I feel like an old person. So it seems fitting that I should exercise like one. 

Tuesday

Symptoms are worst today. Swollen raw looking gums (which happens to me hormonally and during pregnancy, so I guess I am use to it) my anxiety is heightened today and I am second guessing everything. Always questioning if I am doing things right. Ralph is always so good to reassure and ground me again in reality. Things are working. Why else would I feel so achey and full down there. Like I am already growing my little sacks. The kind that you find in sci fi movies full of little baby aliens hanging from the roof and in the walls. That’s what I feel like. Like a bit of an experiemnt but of course this is not their first. Thousands possibly millions of people have gone through this. Some several times. I don’t know if I could muster up the positivity that I would need to go through this again. I just don’t have strong mental health. And this, more than the toll on my body, is the toll on my mind. This is always more difficult, more debilitating and longer lasting. In my opinion. I guess it is a good thing we agreed we would only try once. I am fearful of how I will respond. I can feel the grief bubbling underneath all of my other emotions. Shoved down deep; reserved for the day that we take that test and it screams negative. Again. I am also relieved by this thought that the last two years will come to an end. Soon. Within the month or so. Either way I will be able to move on. Finally rid myself of all those maternity clothes. Taking up the entire top level of my cupboard.  A constant reminder of our mistake. To let go. I look forward to that. I knew we had to try though or I would never be able to let go. Constantly left in the “what ifs.” I am so grateful for the chance to try. A part of me thinks “surely this will 100% work right?” “I mean I have a lot of problems with me but I have never had problems getting pregnant” but these kind of thoughts are dangerous. Almost certain. The higher I get, the further to fall. Best to squash those thoughts and stay close to the ground. So really, I try not to think about it too much at all. Especially not google it. I google a little.. I avoid all the horror stories of it all though and stick to the facts. I mostly try to distract myself with YouTube videos and a good book. So far this has served me well. 

Wednesday

I feel so ugly today. I avoid all mirrors. Is it all the hormones or is it this lingering flu. My nose is red raw from blowing it. I seem to be over it though which I guess means it is just my hormones. I find comfort in highlighting my days on my IVF program sheet. Seeing how “far” I have come and how far I have to go. I use my new pastel highlighters that make me smile. I view my chart looking like a beautiful rainbow. Again, it’s the little things. I have managed to walk and workout this week. I say “workout” but it is more like stretching and sitting in weird positions to increase blood flow to my uterus. That is all I think about while exercising. My ovaries and my uterus. I did my first blood test for IVF today. Woke up ridiculously early. I’m sure I didn’t look like I just rolled out of bed. I considered going in my pjs but that would only embarrass myself. Ralph wasn’t allowed in. I had to wear safety goggles and a mask, which on my petite face must have swallowed me up. My glasses would not stay on my face. Where are the child sized ones? The blood test was over in 30 seconds and I was sent on my way. I was hoping for a little bit more of a consult but then realise that this is selfish and there are soo many people waiting to be seen. If this is the way that more people can be in the program than, I am thankful I am just a number. Still I ask the nurse what I need to do for my ultrasound on Friday. She said not much. I don’t even need to drink much as they make us empty our badder. She also said that if they don’t call me about my results today that “no news, is good news” and to “continue on with my medication. I didn’t get a call. so I guess I am on track. Which is encouraging. More Gonal F tonight. I force myself to stay busy so I stay out of my head. I go to ballet with my beautiful 3 year old and take my dog for a walk in the rain. Even the sunny days are gone and we are meant to experience a “rain bomb” seems my mood always reflects the weather. Meant to be rainy again tomorrow so I will once again have to force myself to be positive.

Thursday

Home with my girl. I am so tired I fall asleep again with her reading next to me. After about 20 mins I decide that I need to push myself to get up or else I will stay in bed all day. At about lunch time, the nausea hit hard. I’m talking dizzy, headache lie down kind of nausea. I dug around for my sea bands and sat on the couch eating an entire bag of corn chips. I think the salt helped. My girl sat next to me eating her packet of chips also. Glad I am teaching such good habits. I decide that I am not going to let these negative feelings overtake my day by letting them turn into negative thoughts. My body doesn’t have time for that. We go for a walk and I pause to rest on a rock while the dog and my girl play and dig in the sand. Then the rain came. Another flood. The bridge is flooding which means we won’t be able to get to the appointment tomorrow. My ultrasound and blood test to see if I can continue the cycle. This is a whole lot more stress than I wanted. Especially during IVF. Breathe in breathe out. “Go with the flow…”